Why Is He Hot and Cold – 10 Reasons Guys Act Distant

“Why is he hot and cold” and “why guys act distant” are two mysteries women have dealt with for a long time. There are many possible reasons why.

Here are the top reasons why he is a “hot and cold guy” and the only 2 ways to respond to men who are hot and cold.

Why Is He Hot and Cold

1. He’s Scared of Commitment

If he isn’t ready for a full commitment, and senses that you are, he may give off some hot and cold signals. It is a natural defense mechanism he uses when he feels a closeness to someone.

2. He Is Not Looking for a Relationship

You might be all lovey-dovey when you are together, and it might feel like you are in a relationship, yet in his mind he is not. Basically, he wants all the benefits of being in a nice relationship with you, minus the commitment and responsibility that comes with it.

3. He’s Intimidated by You

Men appear secure and confident on the outside, yet on the inside they are also insecure. When a guy really likes a girl he tries to impress her. Since he holds her in such high regard, he might not feel like he is good enough.

4. He’s Toxic

He is only acting hot when it benefits him. Toxic men attract many put-together, intelligent, and successful women. When you are involved with a toxic guy it may be very difficult to see the signs.

For more details on toxic men check out: Toxic Men Uncovered! Why Girls Like Toxic Guys 2023

5. He’s Hiding Something

  • Another girl
  • An addiction
  • A past trauma
  • His true feelings
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6. He’s Scared of Rejection

The greatest fear for a man is the fear of rejection. As a defense mechanism he will reject you first, before you have a chance to reject him. He does this by being hot and cold. He is basically self-sabotaging himself.

7. His Mind is Occupied

Something unexpected might have come up that is on his mind. It could be an illness, a death in the family, an issue with work or money, or some sort of life issue. He probably appears quite distracted.

8. He’s Using You

He might be nice and sweet when he wants something from you, and cold and distant after he gets it. This could be sex, money, favors, food, etc.

9. He’s Getting You Hooked

This man knows what he is doing. He is giving himself to you in small doses, alternating between hot and cold. Like a drug dealer, this is a good way to get someone hooked.

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10. He’s Not Sure How He Feels

His on and off signals may be to subconsciously let you know that he isn’t 100% sure about you, and you should beware. Perhaps his feelings have changed.

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Why Does He Act Interested One Minute and Distant the Next 

He acts interested one minute and distant the next because he is scared of commitment, he’s intimidated by you, he’s toxic, he’s hiding something, he’s scared of rejection, his mind is occupied, he’s using you, or he’s not sure.

How to Handle Hot and Cold Guy

Give Space

If your guy starts to be hot and cold, back off a little bit. Don’t respond to his texts or calls as quickly, and don’t be so available. Let him know that when he acts cold, you will too. He has to be trained.

Ask Him About It

Honesty and openness is the best policy in any relationship, and should be established from the start. Don’t jump to any conclusions about his behavior until you have a conversation with him. Make sure to listen when he speaks.

Set clear boundaries of what is acceptable behavior.

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Hot and Cold Men

Hot and cold men usually have existing trauma from family or previous relationships. Some recognize their behavior, other guys do not. Being hot and cold may cause insecurity, fear of abandonment, and depression in your partner.

If you deal with a hot and cold man, your best course of action is to have an open and honest conversation with him about it, and decide from there. It is better to end a relationship now if there is no hope of change in the future.

Hot and Cold Relationship

A hot and cold relationship is one that goes back and forth from sunshine and blue skies to rain and clouds.

The hot phase includes attraction, attention, and intimacy. You get along great, have an amazing time, and can’t get enough of each other.

The cold phase includes pulling away, distance, frustration, and rejection. You retract from each other, ignore each other, and grow further apart.

Coldness can be triggered by fear, sadness, anger, happiness, or any stressful and confusing situation.

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More Info: South China Post


The answer to “why is he hot and cold” is the same as the answer to “why guys act distant.” When it comes down to it, guys act this way to protect themselves.

Guys who are hot and cold need to be told their behavior is unacceptable. Otherwise, it will become normal for them to act that way around you.

Matt Furman
Matt Furman

Hi, I’m Matt, the proud owner of Connection Copilot. I live in NYC and I’m passionate about all things dating. With a bachelor's degree in psychology, a professional coaching certification, and over 20 years of experience as a top tier dating coach, I've had the privilege of guiding and empowering thousands of individuals on their journey to meaningful connections.

I was born in New York and have never left. Having immersed myself in the fast-paced dating scene of New York City, learning as I go, I have gained much wisdom through experience. Consider me your trusted companion in your quest for love.