Top Reasons Your Ex Is Hot and Cold and What to Do

When your ex is hot and cold, it can be super confusing. Does he want to get back with you? Is he looking to just be friends? Is he even single? Seems like the possibilities are endless.

Here are the top reasons why your ex acts hot and then cold, and how to respond to a hot and cold ex.

Why Is My Ex Hot and Cold

Your ex is being attentive to you one day and then completely ignores you the next. He’s passionate at one point, then gives you the cold shoulder shortly after.

He might be texting you a lot, flirting with you and making you feel like you’re dating all over again. Then, suddenly, he seems to disappear off the face of the earth, leaving you on read.

Or he might make plans to see you, and he seems legitimately excited to get together. For reasons unknown to you, though, he cancels the plans out of nowhere, making no attempt to reschedule.

There Might Be Someone Else

There could be a new girl in the picture. Since it is the beginning, things aren’t that serious. He is still thinking about you and that is why sometimes he is hot. When he is with his new girl he gets cold and probably disappears.

He’s Not Ready to Get Back With You

Part of him wants to get back together, another part of him does not. He is in a state of conflict, that is why he is hot and cold.

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He Is Confused

He may think he’s completely over you, yet, out of nowhere, he remembers something about you that makes him miss you like crazy.

Feelings don’t just instantly fade after the end of the relationship. It takes some time for them to go away, and the amount of time it takes depends on each person.

Because of this, your ex could still have feelings for you. When those feelings are particularly strong, he might not be able to resist reaching out to you.

Later, when he has some time to reflect on what he did, he could realize that talking to you wasn’t the best for his healing. That’s when he could be giving you the cold shoulder.

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You’ve Been Downgraded

He still likes you even though you are no longer his girlfriend. He might just like the familiarity, or maybe he wants to hook up. Whatever the case, since you broke up, he has downgraded your importance.

He’s Scared of Repeating His Past

Hi likes you yet he sees himself getting back together and going down the same path with you which has led him to where he is now. So, he is hesitant.

His Feelings Have Changed

He still has feelings for you, yet they are different now, he doesn’t feel the same way. He is not as invested and doesn’t feel as strongly for you as he once did. This is why his behavior is unpredictable.

You Are His Security Blanket

Part of the grieving process when you break up with someone is being alone. He feels lonely, and before he can talk himself out of it, he reaches out to you. He gets lost in the conversation and it feels like the good old times together.

When the good feelings fade, he might look back at his behavior and shake his head in disgust. He merely got caught up in the moment.

He Is Toxic

He is being manipulative, hot when he wants something, cold when he doesn’t. You probably have already seen red flags and realize he is toxic.

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He Is Using You

Your ex might be feeling down or insecure from the breakup. You are one of the easiest people he can get a shot of confidence from. He knows he can talk with you for some fun, meaningless flirting.

Once he’s built himself up and confirmed that he’s desirable to someone, he might have no need to continue the conversation with you.

Ex is hot and cold

He’s Trying to Get Over You

Getting over someone takes time. Sometimes we backtrack and reach out to our exes. Then we distance ourselves once again when we start to feel the pain.

Seeing and talking to someone you just broke up with can stir up feelings you’re still recovering from. This is why so many couples ask for a clean break once the relationship has ended.

How to Respond to Your Ex Being Hot and Cold?

Give Him Some Space

Put a little distance between you and him, especially if you’re still struggling with your feelings. I strongly recommend a no contact period where you cut him off and don’t talk at all.

Decide how long you’re going to cut off contact between you and your ex, and go through with it. Set some boundaries for yourself so if you try again, you know what you will accept.

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Work on Yourself

When all you can do is think of your ex, it can be very difficult. A great way to deal with this is to work on some self-improvement. Give yourself some time to heal, and take it easy. Rest and relax.

Spend time with friends. Try learning a hobby that you’ve had on your to-do list. Go to the gym, working out is a great way to distract yourself and boost your self esteem.

Have a Conversation

Don’t jump to any conclusions about his behavior until you ask him about it. See what he says and give him the benefit of the doubt. Make your boundaries clear on what is acceptable behavior that you will put up with.

By setting your standards, you ensure that you get what you want out of the relationship and that you’re treated with respect.

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More Info: Healthline


If you are concerned that your ex is hot and cold, now you can understand why. Generally, he still has feelings for you. You must determine how strong they are, and if you are still interested.

Matt Furman
Matt Furman

Hi, I’m Matt, the proud owner of Connection Copilot. I live in NYC and I’m passionate about all things dating. With a bachelor's degree in psychology, a professional coaching certification, and over 20 years of experience as a top tier dating coach, I've had the privilege of guiding and empowering thousands of individuals on their journey to meaningful connections.

I was born in New York and have never left. Having immersed myself in the fast-paced dating scene of New York City, learning as I go, I have gained much wisdom through experience. Consider me your trusted companion in your quest for love.