Is your guy hot and cold texting, and you’re trying to figure out why? Hopefully we can help! There can be a lot of different reasons why he’s super flirty and attentive one day, and aloof the next. Read on to learn about some of the reasons why this could be happening.
Why Do Guys Text Hot and Cold?
First things first: what does hot and cold texting mean? It means that your guy is really flirty and emotionally present sometimes, but then gets withdrawn and aloof. This can get confusing, especially when you’re trying to figure out where your relationship is going.
The thing is, guys are human, which means that they’re not going to be in the same mental or emotional state all the time. Much as we’d like the people around us to be consistent in their behaviors, that won’t be the case. He might be in a great mood and flirty today, but stressed out and uncommunicative tomorrow. Most of the time, there’s a good reason for this type of behavior.
Below are 10 reasons why guys tend to text hot and cold. They’ll often depend on what kind of guy he is, and where he’s coming from. By understanding his emotional state and his motivations, you’ll have a better handle on why he seems inconsistent.
1. He Might Be Doing a Ton of Other Things
What does this guy do on a daily basis? If he has a really busy schedule, chances are he’s engrossed in many things over the course of the day. He likely texts you fun, flirty stuff when he has a minute to breathe, before diving back into work, school, workouts, personal development projects, family responsibilities, volunteer work, etc.
2. He’s Focused on Work
Some women assume that a guy is texting hot and cold, when in fact he’s just following his own daily patterns. If he’s texting you flirty things in the evenings, but not during the day, he’s probably just focused on his work. Consider your own day-to-day responsibilities, and how your texting patterns follow suit.
3. He’s Cautious Because of Past Hurts
It’s not just women who experience trauma in relationships. The amazing guy you’re getting to know might have been really badly hurt in the past and is protecting himself emotionally. As such, he might take a couple of steps forward and then need to retreat again to regroup.
4. He May be Working Through Personal Stuff
Your guy might think that he’s being very noble in not talking to you about difficult personal stuff, not realizing that going quiet after a flurry of flirtation is just confusing you. Try asking him if he’s doing okay to see if he’ll open up to you. If he doesn’t, either because he prefers to keep to himself, or is uncomfortable opening up too soon, respect his space.
5. His Self Confidence Only Appears in Bursts
This guy might have a lot of self confidence issues. As a result, he’ll be flirty and gregarious in the moment, but then retreat and be really shy for a couple of days. This often happens when a guy has experienced a lot of rejection, and is trying to learn more about expressing his own needs and wants in relationships.
6. He’s Not Sure What He Wants Yet
We can have all kinds of connections with new people we’ve met. Sometimes we’ll meet someone and absolutely fall in love with their personality, but it takes a while to decide whether we want this person as a lover, or a good friend. He may be testing the ground to see what kind of a relationship he wants with you, hence the hot and cold texting.
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7. He Texts Hotter When Inebriated
Some guys get really flirty when they’ve been drinking, but then go quiet once they’ve sobered up again. Does your guy text hot when he’s at the bar with his friends, and then gets more serious later? If he’s a fairly serious sort who’s usually very reserved and “proper”, he may only let his guard down once in a while before clamming back up again.
8. He’s Being Manipulative
“Treat ’em mean, keep ’em keen” is a technique some people use. The idea is that keeping people insecure in the relationship will make them more eager to “win” the one who’s being aloof. While this is a crap way to treat another person, it isn’t necessarily narcissistic or sociopathic, but a means of personal protection. When people have been hurt badly, they often feel a need to maintain more control in relationships, not realizing the damage they can cause.
9. He May be Talking to Other Girls
Are you just getting to know this guy? Then it’s possible (even likely) that he’s talking to several other women as well. Hey, you’re probably talking to other men too, right? If he’s texting hot tonight, but barely communicative tomorrow, his attention might be focused on someone else momentarily.
10. He’s Lost Interest
Over the course of getting to know someone, we will often discover that there are aspects about them that we really don’t like. When this occurs, that person is suddenly significantly less attractive to us. If you and this guy have been talking a lot, and he’s learned things about your political leanings, personal preferences, etc. that he dislikes, he may have turned his attention elsewhere. Where he used to be flirty and attentive, he now just answers texts with a single word, if at all.
How to Handle a Hot and Cold Guy
First and foremost, how much do you want this guy?
If you see a long-term partnership, be it friendship or something deeper, then it’s good to “play the long game” and be patient with him. Relax, and continue to observe his patterns from a neutral standpoint. Try to understand where he’s coming from, instead of taking things personally and freaking out or wanting reassurance.
Similarly, avoid projecting personal past damage onto him. If you were mistreated by an ex boyfriend who tried to manipulate your emotions, you might interpret hot and cold behavior as malicious.
Once you have a better understanding of where he’s coming from, the way forward will become apparent.
Alternatively, are you just talking to this guy because you’re bored, or because there’s nobody else around right now? In that case, you need to decide whether you have both the patience and desire to work through this hot and cold seesaw going on. If you think he’s worth the effort, then stick around to see how things unfold. Alternatively, if you feel “meh” about him, then let the trail go cold, so to speak.
Understanding Guys’ Texting Habits
Is your guy hot and cold texting? Then it’s important to try to understand him a bit more. Check out our article on guys’ texting habits to learn a bit more about how they operate. Their behaviors are different from women’s texting habits, which is why there’s often a disconnect.
He might not place quite as much emphasis on text exchanges as you do. For example, you might feel that it’s important to say good night to one another. In contrast, he may think that since you texted back and forth for an hour that evening, everything is fine.
Also, take into account what time of day he texts you, and what the subject matter is like. Do you barely text for days, only for him to send you some flirtatious texts late at night? Then he’s probably out for a booty call rather than showing real interest. Of course, it also depends on what he does during the day. Does he work long hours? Then that same midnight text could just be the first moment he’s had free in hours.
How Do You Tell If a Guy Is Confused About His Feelings For You?
Generally, if he does the “get close, then pull away” bit for weeks, if not months, you can be pretty sure that he’s confused. It takes a long time to get to know someone, and interpersonal dynamics can be seriously confusing.
This gets even more difficult if there are a lot of differences between you. Two people might be really into each other because of their personalities, interests, senses of humor, and even physical attraction… but there may be cultural, religious, or other clashes that may be hard to navigate.
Does he talk to you about his close friends and family a lot? Or does he avoid that topic during text exchanges? If he tells you a lot about his personal life, that’s a big sign that he wants you involved in it. In contrast, avoiding topics like family, emotions, and the future is a solid indicator that you may be staying in “friends with benefits” land.
The one way to be certain about how a guy feels about you is to ask him. Rather than being put off by this, a lot of guys will appreciate you being straight up and direct with them about it. Just don’t get emotional about it. Stay matter-of-fact, ask where you stand with him, and then decide where you want to go from there.
Communication is the most important aspect of any relationship, but that takes time to develop. Furthermore, it take a good, long while for people to learn about one another’s communication styles and patters.
For example, your guy hot and cold texting might just be his normal personality. He’ll brighten up and be friendly/flirty one day, but be quiet and insular the next. In his case, it doesn’t “mean” anything: it’s just how he is. In contrast, it’ll take at least a couple of months to find out if the guy who’s hot and cold texting you is sincerely interested in you, or talking to a dozen different women.
Be present, and keep your focus on your own interests, responsibilities, and life’s passions. Yes, having a partner is great, and texting/flirting with guys is both fun, and a great way to get to know someone. Just remember that your life is your own, and doesn’t revolve around whoever you’re trying to get together with. They’re not a target to achieve, but a person you’ll be welcoming into your life.
If you’re sincere and real, you’ll end up with someone who appreciates you, and puts time and effort into being with you.
My name is Jenny and I love helping people with their relationships. I believe a few simple tips can help people massively improve their communication skills with their partners and really express themselves. Thanks for visiting!