There’s a reason heartbreak and breakup both have “break” in them – both are emotionally damaging events that leave you feeling broken.
Worse yet, both can (and usually do) happen at the same time. It’s understandable, then, that while a breakup is happening, you might not think of everything you want to say to your ex-boyfriend.
When you’ve had some time to recover, though, you might think of more you should have said. But how do you bring it up again once the breakup has been done?
It’s tough, but we’ll show you what to text your ex-boyfriend after a breakup.
Think About What You Want to Happen
Regardless of what the breakup was like, how you talk to him next will depend mostly on what you want to come from the communication.
For instance, you’re not going to send him a romantic text when you just want to stay friends with him, or if you don’t want him in your life at all.
Let’s take a look at the possible outcomes:
Consider This if You Want to Get Back Together…
Related Article: What to Text When a Guy Pulls Away (Without Seeming Clingy)
If you’re looking to bring the relationship back to life, your path is going to be much trickier.
You’ll need to be careful of everything you say. In some ways, it will be like dating all over again, where anything you say could potentially scare him away or overwhelm him.
The difference here, though, is that now you’ll have much stronger feelings for him, so it will be more difficult to keep yourself calm.
Here’s our suggestion: take whatever time you need to cool off and breathe before you text him. Spend time thinking about whether or not you really want to get back together, weighing out the pros and cons of your relationship.
Once that’s done, reach out to him. Depending on whether the breakup was mutual, you left, or he left, you may need to apologize to him.
If possible, you may want to feel out whether or not he would be willing to continue the conversation in person.
Need help winning his heart all over again? Relationship coach Amy North’s Text Chemistry Course has text message templates and tips that she specifically created to make an ex-boyfriend beg for you again.
When You Want to Stay Friends…
Going back to being friends or building a new friendship with him after a breakup can also be extraordinarily difficult.
He’s going to need to get past his romantic feelings for you before he’ll ever feel comfortable being just friends. It’s possible he might never get to a point where he feels completely comfortable at all, so he may not be able to get that close to you again.
Part of your strategy here should be giving him space and time first. He needs to work through his emotions, and so do you.
The amount of time he needs varies, so we can’t give you a set amount to try. However, you can gauge how he’s feeling by checking up on him after the breakup.
When he starts to seem more open to continuing to talk to you, be honest with him about wanting to remain friends. Be careful to avoid any romantic discussions that could give him the hope of getting back together.
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Think about this if you don’t want to talk to him anymore…
Cutting him out of your life completely might be one of the easier options. We strongly recommend it if he was toxic during your relationship.
On the other hand, though, you might want to stop talking to him completely just because you don’t want to get back together and you don’t see yourself befriending him. That’s perfectly fine.
The easiest way to keep him out is just to not text him at all. If you do decide to communicate with him, try and keep it as neutral as possible.
Don’t waste your energy yelling at him. Just wish him well and move on, blocking him if you need to.
What to Text Your Ex-Boyfriend After a Breakup
Check on how he’s doing.
Breakups are tough on everyone involved most of the time. Even if the breakup was mutual and fairly low-drama, you’re both probably feeling sad that the relationship has ended.
If you still care about him (whether or not you want to get back together) and the breakup wasn’t too messy, there’s no reason why shouldn’t check on how he’s doing.
You don’t need to send this text with any kind of end goal in mind. If all you want is to make sure he’s okay, this is the kind of text you go with.
Of course, it has the potential to help you start a conversation, too, which is important for those who are interested in rekindling the romance with their ex. Depending on how you word it, you can send this text either shortly after the breakup, or you can send it after some time has passed.
- “Hey, *his name*. Thank you for the talk yesterday – I think we needed to have it. How are you feeling today?”
- “Hey, *his name.* I know it’s been awhile since we talked, but I just wanted to check on how you’re doing.”
Ask him to meet with you.
When the goal is to get back together again, you probably won’t be able to arrange it all through text alone. You’ll want to see him for a couple reasons: to ensure that the chemistry is still there (if it’s been awhile since you broke up), to gauge his reaction to you, and so you can have this more delicate conversation face-to-face.
How do you get this to happen? You send him a text asking him to hang out with you again.
As for the actual meeting, try and make it somewhere that isn’t too formal or romantic by nature. We recommend casual restaurants, bars, or even coffee shops.
Give him some flexibility, too, by not setting a specific date yourself – just say “sometime” in your text. This lets him think about whether he wants to meet, and gives him the chance to pick a time that works with his schedule.
- “Hey, *his name.* I know we haven’t talked for awhile, but I just wanted to see if you’d like to go out for lunch with me sometime.”
Recommended Article: What to Text Your Ex-Boyfriend When You Miss Him
Send him a message asking him to call you.
Some conversations just can’t be conveyed as well by text message, no matter how much we rely on this communication method.
Spamming a text with emojis, for example, won’t properly show the delicacy of your message when you want him to get back together with you. If anything, it will just make you look insincere.
But if all you do is send him your words, he might read the wrong tone in your message. You’ll need to compromise here: send him a text asking him to give you a call when he has the time.
Once he’s on the phone with you, he’ll be able to hear the sincerity in your voice if you need to apologize or discuss the possibility of getting back together.
- “Hey, *his name.* I need to talk to you about something. Would you mind giving me a call when you can?”
Apologize to him.
Everyone makes mistakes. Maybe during the breakup, you slipped up and yelled at him or said things that you regret. The breakup may have even been the result of your actions, if you violated his trust in some way or mistreated him.
In those cases, there’s likely an apology due, and you’ll feel much better once you’ve given it to him. We do think sincere apologies are often best over the phone or in person, but if he’s just not answering you or doesn’t want to meet, you may have to settle for texting it to him.
When you text the apology to him, be as sincere as you can in as short a text as you can. If you end up rambling for pages of text, he’s likely to not read it all.
- “Hi, *his name.* I’m so sorry for the things I said to you yesterday. I was upset, and I wasn’t thinking clearly.”
- “Hi, *his name.* I know I hurt you, and I just wanted to say I’m sorry. I’m ready to talk about it more whenever you are.”
Don’t text him at all/wait and see.
This approach falls into two categories: simply letting him go so you can move on, or just holding back to see if he texts you again first.
For one thing, not texting him again at call can send the obvious message that you’re not interested in talking further. On the other hand, if you’re really not sure where his head and his heart are at, sometimes it’s better to be cautious and wait.
This is particularly true if your breakup was very messy – he may need space to work through his thoughts and feelings. That’s why this approach could go in so many directions, depending on how he chooses to interpret your silence.
If you’re looking to get back together but you don’t want to message him first, you could wait for a set amount of time (say, a week or more) and then text him again if he doesn’t reach out to you by then.
What to Avoid Texting Him After a Breakup
Begging him to get back together with you.
Further Reading: What to Text a Guy to Get Him to Respond (Tried and True Methods)
Even if you want to give the relationship another try, he’s not going to want to if all you do is send pathetic texts pleading for his heart. He’ll see a woman who’s not capable of independence in these messages, as well as someone he can take advantage of if he wants to.
No matter how badly you want him back, don’t beg. Getting him back will take time, and you’ll come out looking all the more desirable when you keep your cool throughout the process.
Trying to hurt him by insulting him or cursing at him.
Breakups can bring out the worst in us. The messier the breakup was, the more you might feel as if you need to get even with your ex.
We won’t lie: hurting him might actually make you feel better…for a brief time.
And then the guilt and shame will set in when you realize that all you did was make yourself look like a fool.
Even if you don’t ever want to talk to him again, don’t try and hurt him. It’s like laying in the mud on a hot day – you’ll feel cooled down for a second, but when you get up again, you’ll find that you’re all dirty.
It’s definitely not a good look for you.
Texting him multiple times in a row.
You might think that you need to get his attention when he’s not answering you right away.
And what’s the first way that comes to mind? Texting him over and over again.
He might not have seen the first four texts, after all, right?
Wrong. Believe us when we say he’s seeing every single one of your text messages, and no amount of clarification you decide to keep texting him afterward will convince him to talk to you.
If he’s not answering you at this point, he needs time and space. Step back and give it to him, and he’ll be grateful for your understanding of his needs.
Rambling or ranting at him.
This kind of ties in with texting him over and over again, but it can also occur separately.
Say, for example, you just want to pour your heart out to him in one single message. So you craft this lengthy, poetic text about everything you’re feeling…and it goes on for pages.
Unfortunately, this doesn’t do you any favors, no matter how eloquent or moving your text is. Phone screens are small, and most people don’t have the patience to scroll through a text that’s pages long.
On top of that, if you’re really feeling like you have that much to say to him, you should try and do so in person or at least on a phone call with him. That way, he can hear the sincerity in your voice while you tell him what you’re feeling.
Learn to Text in A Way that Keeps the Relationship Alive
Related Article: How to Show a Guy You Like Him Over Text
Despite our best efforts, some relationships just fade. You might start having more arguments, spending less time together, ignoring each other when you are together, or feeling more neutral towards each other.
Without some help, not all breakups can be prevented. But with some guidance, you can keep the romance alive.
Where do you find the help you need? We personally like to seek out experts, like relationship coach Amy North.
Her Text Chemistry Course was created to help fan the flames of any romance…all through text messages.