DATE AT AN EXPERT LEVEL
Want to know what one of the worst mistakes you can make in dating is?
It’s desperation. Nothing will make a guy trip over himself trying to get away from you more than seeming like you’re completely desperate for him.
Why? Because being desperate and clingy implies that you’re going to lock him down and take over his life.
When he sees you behaving that way, he imagines all of his freedoms being taken away. He fears having to spend every waking moment either physically with you or talking to you.
And no matter how in love you may be with someone, that’s just not a healthy way to live your life.
The problem is, you could be coming off as desperate without even realizing it. We’re here to help you correct that today.
We’re going to show you how you can text him first without seeming desperate.
What Things Make You Look Desperate?
The first step to avoiding something is knowing exactly what it is you’re avoiding. If someone told you, “Stay away from that thing!” and then didn’t describe it, you’d have no idea what it was, and you’d probably stumble right into it.
For that reason, let’s take a look what sort of common mistakes women make that have them falling into the territory of desperation:
Texting Him Too Often.
When you like something, you want as much of it as possible. It’s just human nature.
But too much of anything can quickly turn it into something you’re sick of. Think of all those times you overindulged on candy when you were a child, or that time you had way too much to drink when you were finally old enough, and how those things were ruined for you afterward.
A similar thing happens when you constantly text your man at all hours of the day. He’ll get way too much of you, and find himself wanting to delay answering your texts.
Slow it down. You’ll save some conversational topics for when you actually see him, and you’ll make sure he only gets a taste of you – not enough to get tired of you, but just enough to crave more.
Read Also: How to Text a Guy (The Ultimate Guide)
Answering Him the Instant He Texts You
When you do get a text from him, you’re probably going to want to immediately jump on your phone and answer him.
Resist that impulse. What it tells him is that you’ll always make yourself available for him, no matter what else might be going on for you.
Aside from making it appear that you’re constantly waiting for his texts, he’ll get the impression that he can always expect an instant answer from you.
All these are bad messages to send to him, whether or not you mean to give him those ideas.
So what should you do?
Take some time before you answer him. The time can vary – anywhere from several minutes to a couple hours at a time.
If you’re caught up in a heavily involved conversation or he asks you something time-sensitive, it’s okay to answer ASAP. We just suggest not answering him right away every time.
Getting Too Emotional/Romantic Too Fast
Flirting with him and teasing him are great options, and we highly recommend doing them. These approaches show him you’re interested in him without getting overly romantic right away.
Making confessions of your feelings or sending him long emotional texts, however, are no-no’s.
It’s natural to want to tell someone you’re crushing on your deepest feelings. You’ll be longing to know if he feels the same way.
But making some kind of huge confession to him can seem as if you’re trying to force him into a relationship right away.
Keep your first texts to him as light as possible. Show off your fun side with some flirting and joking.
Once you’ve built up a solid connection, then you can start drifting into more serious discussions.
Related Article: What to Text a Guy Who is Distant (To Pull Him Back In)
Sending Him a String of Texts
Another mistake tons of people make is basically poking the guy with multiple texts in a row. You might think that, if he didn’t answer the first one, sending him another will get his attention and make him reply.
All this approach does is make you look like a child tugging on someone’s sleeve for attention. While it may be cute for a kid to do that, it’s definitely unflattering for you.
If he didn’t answer you, he’s more likely than not just busy. Give him the space he needs, and he’ll get back to you when he can.
Asking Him Why He’s Not Answering
Here’s a couple responses we’ve seen happen when a guy doesn’t reply: “Hello?” or “Are you still there??”
Do you know what texts like these say about you?
They tell your guy that you’re impatient, demanding, and needy. If he didn’t reply to your last text and it wasn’t time-sensitive, then there’s no reason for you to demand an answer from him.
Remember, he won’t be spending every spare minute hovering over his phone. He may be caught up in something at work, on a call with a family member, or dealing with any number of things.
Let him answer you when he’s able to. He’ll appreciate how you respect his space, and you’ll come off as an independent woman with a life of her own.
Texting Him Right After Seeing Him
It’s perfectly normal to want to talk to someone you like as much as possible. There’s nothing wrong with feeling like you can’t enough of him, but space to breathe is crucial, especially in the beginning of a relationship.
Don’t jump on him via text right away after seeing him. Let him think over the time you spent together and start to miss you on his own.
Once some time has passed, whether it’s a few hours or a day, feel free to follow up with him. You could even wait until he texts you first if you want to gauge his level of interest.
You Might Also Like: What to Text a Guy After Exchanging Numbers (To Draw Him In)
What to Text a Guy First Without Seeming Desperate
Hit his inbox with a cool check-in.
At a glance, this options seems a little lackluster. If you’re looking for information on how to text a guy, you’re probably looking for something spicy, unique, or unheard of.
But hear us out: these simple, everyday check-in texts are great because of how cool they sound. Sending these texts here and there does not make you look even slightly desperate.
In fact, he might wonder why you’re not visibly swooning over him with each text. The casual tone of messages like these could get him curious about what he needs to do to get you gushing over him.
As an added benefit, because you’re asking him a question, he’ll be much more likely to answer. Once he does, he’ll hopefully give you something to use to keep the conversation going.
Examples: “Hey, how’s it going?” or “How are you doing?” or “What are you up to today?”
Let him know you’re thinking of him…indirectly.
You’re searching for articles like this most likely because you really like this guy. When you’re getting feelings for him, it’s perfectly normal to think of him all the darn time.
The more you like him, in fact, the more you’ll want to tell him all about those feelings in the hopes he’ll tell you he feels the same. Unfortunately, a confession like that could easily come across as desperate.
However, that doesn’t mean there aren’t other ways you can tell him he’s on your mind.
If you run into any videos, memes, pictures, or songs that remind you of him, go ahead and send them to him. You can play it off as if you randomly ran into these things, even if you specifically have some set aside to send him when you have nothing else to say. (We won’t tell anyone! ;))
Examples: “I came across this meme today, and it made me think of you!” or “I heard this song on the way to work today, and I think you’d like it.”
Ask him for his opinion.
One thing that makes everyone feel good is knowing their input is valued.
Think about it: when someone asks for your opinion on what to do about something, and then they actually take your advice, you feel great. You’ve been shown that you’re important.
That’s why this strategy is fantastic for reaching out to a guy without seeming desperate. You’re not clearly flirting with him, clinging to him, or coming across as needy.
Instead, you’re demonstrating to him that you value his opinions and guidance. It’s a sneaky method that puffs up his ego a little.
Don’t get too serious with your question and ask for an opinion on something as drastic as whether or not you should quit your job, but don’t necessarily ask him something as boring as what you should wear that day, either. Aim for a fun middle ground he can relate to, like asking him which show you should watch or which artist you should listen to next.
Bonus: after you take his suggestion, you’ll have a bunch more to talk about. You can tell him what you thought of his recommendation.
Examples: “I just finished the last episode of my favorite show, and I need something to fill that void! What should I watch next?” “I need some new music to spice up my routine. Got any recommendations for me?”
Ask him a fun question.
You’ve heard all those boring conversation staples before: how are you, what are you doing, and everything else that makes your eyes glaze over with boredom.
It’s true that asking those things generally won’t make you seem desperate. But it’s also true that they’re typically a far cry from interesting, and that’s why we tend to recommend that you use them only to start the conversation.
What if you want to start a conversation and show off some of your unique personality at the same time? Go for an amusing question, one he’s likely never been asked before.
If you’re not sure what to ask him, you can check out our guide on things to text a guy about topics, or you can find tons of compilations online with interesting questions to ask a guy. Asking him something like this will keep him on his toes and pull him into the conversation right away.
Examples: “What’s the weirdest thing you’ve ever eaten?” or “What toppings go on your perfect pizza?”
See Also: 35+ Examples of What to Text a Guy First
Don’t be afraid to flirt with your guy.
We’ve stressed not to get too emotional with him too soon, because you risk driving him away. This doesn’t mean you should absolutely avoid flirting with him at all costs when you text him first, though.
What it does mean is making sure that flirtatious first text you send is a perfect blend of fun, playful, and flirty that doesn’t make it look like you’re begging for his attention.
Don’t worry, that sounds harder than it really is. Avoid discussing your deepest feelings for the time being, and throw in some winking or smiling emojis to brighten your tone.
Examples: “I keep thinking about your handsome face. Could you send me a picture of it to refresh my memory? :)”
If you’d like to give your flirting game a boost, there are additional things you can research for guidance. Amy North’s Text Chemistry Course is a fantastic example of a program loaded with information designed to help any woman sharpen her flirting skills.
Follow up on a conversation you’ve had before.
It’s happened to everyone: you’ve thought of the perfect comment for a specific conversation, and you’re just waiting for the opportunity to say it…and then, naturally, the topic changes, and you have to leave your golden comment behind in order to keep up with the flow of the talk.
If you’ve thought of something additional to say and you’re looking for a way to start a new conversation by text, why not revisit an old one? He may have had a thought he forgot or wasn’t able to bring up, too.
Examples: “Remember when we were talking about that song the other day? I just got the opportunity to listen to it, and I think you’re right: it’s awesome.”
Further Reading: How to Text a Guy Good Morning (And Get Him Thinking About You)
How to Make Him Desperate for You
Related Article: What to Text a Guy Who Keeps Blowing You Off
The early stages of dating are like walking on a tightrope. Leaning too far in any direction can result in you tumbling over the edge.
If you don’t have experience walking this fine line, and you need a little extra help, there are people you can turn to.
Amy North, for instance, is a relationship coach with expertise in teaching women how to text a guy in a way that makes him desperate for you. She created an easy-to-understand course with text templates you can send to your guy.