If there’s one lesson everyone learns in life, it’s to expect the unexpected. Another lesson is that the universe seems to have a dark sense of humor. If you’re reading this article, then you’re undoubtedly trying to figure out how to tell your ex boyfriend you’re pregnant.
This is a difficult situation to be in, and we feel you. It’s one that many, many women have had to deal with over the years, and there are good and less-than-ideal ways to go about it. The approach that you take now will have a huge impact on how the next steps will unfold.
Let’s take a look at some ways to let him know, depending on your circumstances.
Need to Know How to Tell Your Ex Boyfriend You’re Pregnant?
First and foremost, take stock of what your relationship is like with your ex boyfriend. Are you two on good terms? Or did you have a truly horrible breakup that resulted in you burning each other’s stuff on your respective lawns?
The rapport that the two of you have will dictate the best approaches to let him know.
Before you say anything, make absolutely sure that you are, in fact, pregnant. DIY tests can be unreliable, so either do a few of them, or see your healthcare provider. Then, it’s time to think about what action(s) you want to take, personally.
Do you want to have a baby and raise it on your own? Would adoption be preferable? How do you feel about having your ex in your life for the next 18+ years? Take all of these into account before deciding how to go about telling him. If you don’t want him in your life, whether because he was abusive or you just don’t want anything to do with him, then you’ll have to decide whether you even want to tell him at all.
He chose to share his DNA with you. Now that you’re pregnant, you have the primary decision as to where to go from here.
Of course, in this article we’re going on the assumption that the baby is your ex boyfriend’s. If it’s not, or you’re not sure, it’s best to find out first.
Discreetly, if possible.
If You’re on Good Terms, Humor May Help
Sometimes, the best way to deliver surprising (and possibly world shaking) news is with a dose of good humor. This is especially true if you’re on good terms with a person. Did you stop seeing each other because the pairing reached its natural end? Or was it just a short-term fling/friends with benefits situation? That’s a lot less daunting to navigate, especially if you’re on great terms.
If you and your ex are still friends, and you need to let him know that you’re pregnant, might as well be playful about it. Having a bit of lightheartedness about the situation will make the news a bit less shocking.
Send him a photo of an ultrasound with the accompanying text “SURPRISE!”. Then suggest that you two might want to talk sometime soon. Alternatively, you could show up at his house with a cake that has “Guess Who’s Gonna Be a Dad?!” written on it.
Taking this approach will lessen the shock significantly, and will lay down the foundations for the future. If you choose to keep and raise the child, being on good terms with your ex can only benefit everyone. The best way to do this is to establish a fun, cooperative partnership from day one.
If Things Ended Badly…
Did your relationship end really badly? Whether you both called it quits, or one dumped the other, you may still be dealing with hurt on both sides. And, if you’ve just found out you’re pregnant, chances are high that this hideous breakup is recent, so the wounds are still fresh.
If the two of you are still on speaking terms, albeit shaky ones, try to tell him in person. Just like with the humorous approach mentioned above, it’s a very human way to deliver shocking news. More importantly, he won’t think you’re just trying to mess with him. Some women use pregnancy as an excuse to get back together with an ex. By meeting face to face, he can read your body language and see that you’re being sincere.
Alternatively, if you aren’t speaking to one another but you know his address, consider writing him a letter. This adds a human, personal aspect to the news, while allowing him to process the information.
Of course, if you don’t know his mailing address, then go whatever route is available to you. Write an email, send a text, or ask a mutual friend to get in contact with him on your behalf. Often, even if someone is in “I never want to talk to my ex again” mode, they’ll make an exception for dealing with a pregnancy.
Refrain from being abusive during the exchange, even if you’re feeling upset and/or angry about the situation. You’re processing a lot of emotions (and hormones!) right now. It’s best to stop yourself from saying anything you may regret later. It’s also important to note that your ex might accuse you of lying about it, or get mean towards you when you let them know. Best to brace yourself for that possibility.
Make sure you have a support system in place to help you through this. Talk to your friends and family members so they can be supportive. That way, whatever happens with your ex, you have your people to turn to.
Get to the Point Quickly, and be Honest
As you can see, there are many approaches on how to tell your ex boyfriend you’re pregnant.
Regardless of the method you use, however, it’s important to be honest about the entire situation. Get to the point as quickly as possible. If you call or text him saying that you want to get together to talk, he might assume that you’re hitting on him. This is especially true if you’re the one who broke things off.
Instead of having a whole lot of small talk, asking about his life, etc, just blurt it out. “I’m pregnant”. Expect shock, and he might not know what to say for a minutes. Allow him that space, but be prepared for what comes next.
He’ll undoubtedly have a lot of questions for you, so try to have answers to them ahead of time. Some of the things he might ask you may include:
- “Are you sure it’s mine?” – This one often comes up if people have broken up because of an affair. If you cheated on him with someone else, make absolutely sure who the father is before letting either of them know.
- “When did it happen?” – Once you’ve found out how far along you are, you can work your way backwards to determine the conception date (or thereabouts).
- “Are you going to keep it?” – Whether you’ve figured this out yet or not, share your thoughts with him. If you want to keep the baby and raise it, he might want to be a part of the child’s life as well. Alternatively, he may suggest that you terminate the pregnancy.
Be Prepared to Accept a Response Other than What You Wanted
In an ideal world, people would respond to things exactly as we’d like them to.
It’s important to be prepared for the fact that he might react differently than you were expecting. For example, you may have been hoping that he would want to be a willing, supportive participant in the child’s life. Instead, he might say that he wants nothing to do with you, or the kid, ever. Take this into consideration as you determine how you want to move forward.
He might want to try to get back together, claiming that the pregnancy is a sign that you two were meant to be a couple. If this isn’t what you want, be firm about it. Alternatively, if he’s really pressuring you to have an abortion but you don’t want to, be firm about your stance in that regard as well.
This isn’t an easy situation for either of you. Make sure to lean on your support network when you need to, and seek professional help if things get really bad.
There are many avenues to help you through this: you’re not alone.