Even when you end the relationship mutually and agree to split, it hurts like heck. The best negotiations and post-breakup talks can feel like knives in your heart, and seeing him around afterward is the worst.
But when someone says they had a “bad breakup,” we know what that means: that it was worse than just your standard breakup blues.
The definition can vary from woman to woman. But usually, there was screaming, arguing, crying, and slamming doors involved.
That’s not the sort of bang we’d like to begin or end with. Can you even fix your relationship after such a heart-wrenching end?
In short: yes. The rest of this guide was created to show you just how to get your ex-boyfriend back from a bad breakup.
When Shouldn’t You Get Back Together With Him?
Here’s one universal truth about breakups around the world: they’re not all equal.
Some breakups were for great reasons. They were probably necessary for the health of all parties involved.
Others…maybe not so much. For example, we know a guy who broke up with a girlfriend just because she didn’t like his favorite band.
To this day, he insists that was the only reason for the breakup.
Anyway, for breakups that happened over serious reasons, you should probably stay far away from your ex. The following are some examples of breakups caused by reasons that indicate a permanent split is best for everyone.
He was abusive.
Nobody is perfect. Anyone (well, almost anyone) in the world will tell you that.
But being abusive is so much more than an imperfection. He could have caused deep, permanent damage to you with his behavior.
And it shows up in so many different ways. He could verbally bully you, isolate you from your loved ones, or even physically harm you.
Again, these are not things you can wave off. You can’t just tell yourself, “nobody’s perfect!” and hope that he will change.
Learn to recognize the signs of abuse as you look back at your relationship. Even if you’re still deeply in love with him, consider the possibility that he needs the separation to grow or seek help.
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He cheated on you.
Have you ever heard the expression, “once a cheater, always a cheater?”
While it isn’t necessarily true, cheating is one step on a slippery slope. Cheating is often a sign of deeper, irreparable problems with the relationship or even with your ex-boyfriend himself.
Show him that this isn’t acceptable by not giving him a second chance. Don’t give him the opportunity to take you for granted.
However, this is also up to you. Circumstances vary, and people do make mistakes that many feel true remorse for.
Maybe you’d feel more inclined to forgive him if he slipped up once in a years-long relationship.
On the other hand, if you dated for, say, a month and he cheated on you with your sister, that’s just scummy.
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He was too jealous or controlling.
Maybe your ex-boyfriend constantly had to know where you were. He might have gotten jealous of every guy you know outside of him, including coworkers.
You might have excused it and told yourself he was just being a little jealous. There’s nothing wrong with a bit of jealousy, right?
Yes and no. A tiny bit here and there is fine, if your guy can rein it in and trust you in the end.
But if he’s quizzing you about every man you know all the time, that’s a massive red flag. Many don’t recognize this for the sign of emotional abuse that it is, so we felt it deserved to be mentioned on its own.
With time, he might be able to grow out of it. But it’s probably not going to happen right after your breakup, so it’s best if you go your separate ways for now.
Ultimately, you need to answer this question: is it best for you to get back together with him?
So what if your reasons for parting were a bit more minor? For example, you may have broken up simply because you weren’t feeling a connection any more.
Or maybe, like the guy who dumped someone because she didn’t like his favorite band, you broke up for some pettier reason.
Then you’ll need to stop and seriously ask yourself: is it best for you to get back together with him? Would you legitimately be happy with him again?
There’s a possibility you’re getting caught up in the emotional fallout of a breakup. Even the most civil, peaceful breakups are bound to make your heart hurt, and you might think that pain must mean you belong together.
If you’re struggling to decide if you’d actually be happier together, try asking your closest friends what they think. They’ll be able to give you a much-needed outsider’s perspective on the situation.
The Common Mistakes that Can Drive Him Away
As we’ve said in many of our other posts, in matters of love, avoiding mistakes can be as important as doing everything right.
With that in mind, the following are the wrong things to do that could drive your ex-boyfriend away from you forever:
Attacking him more.
Bad breakups often include intense arguments or another kind of hurtful exchange between you.
Since you’re left feeling wounded, you may feel as if you need to get even with your ex-boyfriend first. Insulting, yelling at, and swearing at him are all things that might make you feel better…for a short amount of time.
But when you look back on your actions later, you’ll start to feel embarrassed instead.
Worst of all, you’ll probably have forced your ex away from you. At the very least, he’s not going to be inclined to talk to you again anytime soon, and you’d have to work that much harder to earn his trust again.
So here’s the long story, made short: if you’re feeling really hurt, angry, and upset with your ex, don’t talk to him again just yet. Give yourself a little time to cool down so you don’t say something you’ll regret later.
Pressuring him to come back.
You wouldn’t be looking at this article if you hadn’t even briefly entertained the idea of getting back together with him.
That means you could be thinking that you need him, and you need him now.
We mentioned earlier that breakups, especially bad ones, leave us intoxicated by a powerful cocktail of emotions. You don’t exactly do your best thinking when you’re so emotionally charged.
That’s why you should resist putting significant pressure on your boyfriend to get back with you, whether that’s through begging, demanding, or constantly asking him what he thinks about it.
Putting pressure on him when he’s probably feeling as upset as you are will just hurt him further. Let him have the space he needs to think about it once you mention your feelings to him.
Flooding him with texts.
This is simply a bad habit all around in your love life. It’s fine to text strings of messages to friends and family, but with a guy, it doesn’t come across that well.
However, it can be tempting to do this, anyway, because you feel like you’ll stand a better chance of keeping his attention on you. After all, if he’s getting texts from you hourly, there’s no way he’ll be able to forget about you, right?
The problem with this mentality should be obvious. You’ve probably had at least one interaction with someone who wouldn’t stop flooding your phone with notifications.
And you probably noticed that it was annoying as heck.
Your ex-boyfriend will find it annoying, too. On top of that, it’s incredibly clingy, which is one of the world’s biggest turn-offs.
Texting will be a massive part in your romance toolkit, though. If you’re not very good at communicating by text, try checking out Amy North’s Text Chemistry course.
In it, Amy discusses how to stoke the flames of any man’s passion through nothing more than text messages. Using her tips and tricks, your ex will catch himself thinking of you more and more…
Pleading with him.
Have you ever watched a kid begging for something they want? They might stick out their lip, make puppy dog eyes, clasp their hands together, and chant “please” over and over again.
Parents will occasionally give into this. That doesn’t mean, however, that your ex-boyfriend will.
If you really want him back, you could be thinking to yourself, “what’s the worst thing that could happen if I begged him?”
Well, the worst answer is guaranteed to be worse than you were thinking: he could cut you off from him permanently.
Let’s face it: while a kid begging can be cute, an adult begging doesn’t have the same effect. So when you find yourself typing up a long text pleading with your ex to give you a second chance...
Just delete it. Toss it out the metaphorical window and feel lucky that you just dodged a bullet.
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How to Get Your Ex-Boyfriend Back from a Bad Breakup
Now let’s move on to the things you should do to get him back…
The first step is always the same: allowing yourself to heal.
Relationship experts in all corners of the earth will tell you that the first thing you should do after a breakup is a no contact period.
Put simply, that means you promise not to speak with your ex-boyfriend for a specific period of time, which can range anywhere from a couple weeks to a few months.
The benefits to this are abundant. To begin with, you’re giving yourself the time you need to start healing.
You’ll be able to grieve and feel all those emotions that hit us after a breakup. When you start to feel a bit better in the middle of your no contact period, you can take steps to improve yourself.
These improvements can be anything. You could get into a hobby you’ve always been interested in, or treat yourself to a salon.
When you contact your ex-boyfriend again afterward, the improvements you took will give you a whole new confidence. He’ll see this new and improved version of you and be impressed.
It’s worth mentioning here that a no contact period doesn’t always work for everyone. For instance, it’s not very feasible when you have kids together and you have to talk to each other.
In that case, you may need to make tweaks to your recovery plan that fit your situation. Going with the example where you have kids together, you could agree to talk to him only about matters concerning your children.
When you’ve taken time, get your head back in the game.
With your designated healing time over, you can think about talking to your ex again. During the time you spent isolated from him, he’s hopefully worked through his emotions, too.
These days, pretty much everyone has a phone or social media account. Because of that, reaching out to him by text or DM is your most logical course of action.
At this point, you’re probably really nervous. You’re putting yourself out there by reaching back out to him.
It’s okay to feel anxious! Take some deep breaths, sit back, and get comfortable while you text him.
Think back on all that time you just spend improving yourself. Hold on to the confidence that comes from accomplishing your goals as you talk to your ex-boyfriend.
Try to use a positive and friendly tone for the first few conversations.
Now you might be wondering: “Okay, so what am I supposed to talk to him about?”
For the most part, that’s up to you. However, for at least the first few days of talking, we recommend staying away from really heavy emotional topics.
That means no asking him to get back together just yet. Instead, you should keep the conversations fun and easy, like talking about hobbies you share or how you’re both doing.
Light topics like these help your ex-boyfriend to relax. He’ll probably be on guard the first time you talk to him, wondering why you’re talking to him in the first place.
You’ll need to build up some trust to get him to let his guard down.
Arrange to see him in person again.
Regardless of whatever you choose to talk to your ex about, your end goal is this: get him to agree to see you in person.
We recommend this tons of times in our other ex-boyfriend guides. The reason for this is that you’ll have a much easier time convincing him to get back together with you in person than in text.
Why? Because he’ll be able to see the honesty in your face, or hear the sincerity in your voice.
Some conversations are simply best had when you’re physically together.
Obviously, this isn’t always possible. An example of this would be if you were in a long-distance relationship to begin with.
In that case, our recommendation is to talk to him on the phone or even in a video chat. You’ll be able to use the tone in your voice to convey to him how serious you are about making it work with him.
If necessary, use the time you meet face-to-face to give him a sincere apology.
You may have already given him your apologies when you broke up. However, if you haven’t yet, your first get-together or phone call can be dedicated partially to apologizing to him.
It can be even more powerful when you’ve spent your recovery time thinking about it and legitimately regret something you did. Laying these regrets on the table for him to see can help heal some wounds you may have inflicted on him emotionally.
However, keep in mind that you shouldn’t feel the need to apologize for things that aren’t your fault. Don’t apologize simply for the sake of saying sorry, or because you think it’s what he wants to hear.
When you apologize frequently for things that you didn’t do, you cheapen apologies for things you did actually do wrong. That’s because he’ll become so acclimated to the idea that you’ll always say sorry, that each time you do will just seem normal.
Remember, getting back together may not happen right away…
Even when you put the best plan to action, your ex-boyfriend isn’t going to get back together with you instantly.
You’ll have to spend time talking to him and building up his trust again. How long this will take will vary relationship to relationship.
This is especially true when you had a messy breakup. Chances are, hurtful words were said on both sides that left you both feeling betrayed.
It’s not easy to come back from that. There may be days where your ex seems ready to get back with you, and then others where he seems distant again.
Remember to have patience with the process.
And If You Need a Secret Weapon in Love…
Bad breakups make it even harder to get back with your ex-boyfriend.
You’ll need every tool at your disposal to encourage trust to grow between you two again. Any missteps can easily ruin your progress and make him go running in the other direction.
If you’re not very experienced when it comes to romance, we suggest taking some time to learn from the experts. We personally recommend Amy North, who’s a relationship coach with years of experience behind her.
She wrote a program called the Devotion System, which focuses on male psychology and how to take advantage of it. Follow the steps in the program, and you’ll be able to basically hack your ex’s brain, so he’ll be begging for another chance with you.